"We are hard pressed on everyside, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Basics

Where do you start with something so heavy? How do I begin to share with you the millions of thoughts that pass through my mind each day? I guess the easiest beginning for me is with the facts.

Last Monday afternoon my door bell rang. When I opened the door there was a young man who I had never seen before. He asked me for a drink of water. I shut the door, leaving him outside and went to find a cup of water that I could give him. I returned, giving him the water and trying to send him on his way. When I tried to shut the door he stopped it and forced his entrance into our home. He came in swinging. He beat me until I stopped fighting back at which point I was barely conscious. It then became clear why he was there. He beat and raped me for an hour and a half.

He ran out the back door when he heard our roomate arriving at home. I quickly locked the door behind him and went to find Graham who had been shut in the bathroom for an hour. I grabbed the phone on the way and called 911. Within a couple minutes I heard the sirens. Finally, it was over....or just beginning depending on how you look at it.

I was beaten quite badly. I was unrecognizable Monday evening, even to Jared. Almost all my wounds were to the head. However, the body is an amazing thing and mine seems to be healing quickly. The bruises are fading and the swelling is gone. I wish that my body could just take care of my emotional healing as well, but it's becoming painfully clear that I have some hard work and dark days ahead of me.

I am currently quite numb to everything. Some defense mechanism inside me turned off my emotions when he entered our home, and I haven't been able to feel since. I need to feel this. I have to feel this in order to heal.

My song choice for today is "Awake my Soul" by Mumford & Sons. My prayer is that my soul would awaken.

32 comments:

Ann said...

Traci- may this journey be one which is uniquely your own- because it is- but also one with which many can journey with you. May you find healing and new strength. Thank you. You remain in our thoughts and prayers.

Pam said...

Traci, you amaze me with your smile and focus on Graham. You are facing this blight, and not letting it push you into a retreat from life. The strength you show in your willingness to be open about your experience and inner feelings is truly admirable. May your healing continue. Blessings.

Gretchen said...

Traci,
I have no words to say yet I wanted to tell you that I will...I AM...praying for you. May your soul and spirit heal supernaturally quickly as well. And thank you for being vulnerable. What a difficult journey you are on...I promise to uphold you along the way.

ben wideman said...

Traci, we will walk with you in this space as you share with us. You are an incredible person, and our prayers are with you and your lovely family.

Sue said...

Traci,
May you continue to feel God's presence and healing strength on your journey through the darkness. My heart hurts for the pain you have experienced. You are in our prayers.

Gary and Lisa said...

our dear Traci...we love you and we pray for you everyday. Such a darkness entered your life and still you allow God's light to guide you on your journey...the song for the day was so comforting. Thank you sharing it. Blessings and comfort and peace...

Tara said...

Traci we have not stopped praying for you...asking God to bring healing in the way only HE can! Continue to lean on Him to find the strength you need. So thankful that your roommate came home when he did and thankful for safety for precious Graham! Hugs!

Sharon said...

Traci,

Your vulnerability is amazing. Thank you for the opportunity to listen to your grief, pain, hope, healing, sadness and more. I'm hoping this journey of healing, with its darkest moments and pain, is just that...healing.

Much love,
Sharon

Amy said...

Traci- It has been such a long time since I've seen you but I've been thinking and praying for you since I heard your story. I am praying fervently for God to redeem your pain in a mighty way and that you will have courage to walk in faith while He does.

You Can Call Me Jane said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you (and your family), sweet woman. May God grant you whatever it is that you need at each and every step of this journey.

Christy K. said...

Traci, I don't know you, but I've been praying for you and your family.

Susan Beck said...

Traci, I work at EMU with your father-in-law. I cried as I read your post. I'm so glad you are sharing openly. This could have happened to any of us. Your openness will be helpful in your healing. And when your brain and body feel safe again, you'll feel again, it will take some time, don't push yourself. You're doing the right things. We are praying.

Steve Martin said...

Traci, I am in awe of your strength and our family will continue to pray for you and your family in this time of healing. May God open your soul to the healing you need, and may you always feel his presence. I know that many women in your situation will benefit from your openness.

Adam and Marisa said...

Traci - even though we are far away, we are thinking and praying for you and Jared. What you went through is unimaginable, but I'm glad you've chosen to be open about it and share your recovery process. I knowthe things you are able to share will be a blessing to others.

Jeff Yoder said...

Traci, thanks for being so open about such an unimaginable experience. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Clarice said...

Traci....thank you for sharing with us. It has been hard to understand all of this. I talked to Tonya this morning. I'm glad your mom is able to be with you at this time. May God give you everything that will make this journey easier and faster to heal. Only He is able to heal you physically and emotionally. All we can do is P-R-A-Y for you, Jared, Graham and your families.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love...Jer 31:3"

My prayer is that you will find this everlasting love in this difficult time.

With love,

PolarBarb said...

My tears and prayers are with you.

TristanRay said...

Traci, you don't know me, but I go to Park View Mennonite with your parents. When we heard your story at church, I cried angry tears for your loss, for the violation of your precious body, for the physical and emotional hurt you are suffering. I haven't been able to stop praying for you ever since, and I think that's a good thing. I think God is going to be bombarded by prayers from many, many people on your behalf. May God grant you some peace tonight.
Trina

jayme said...

traci-

thank you for sharing your story and allowing us to pray for you and your family. so many times we hide what is going on in our lives, maybe because we are embarrassed or scared, or maybe we don't know if people care. you are cared for, not only by all of us here, but by your Father in heaven. i pray that the peace that paul talks about in philippians 4:7 will be with you. bless you friend!

-jayme

Jennifer Wood said...

Traci, I cannot find the words to express my sadness upon hearing this, know we are praying for you and your family and that you may experience healing.

ramonasteiner@blogspot.com said...
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ramonasteiner@blogspot.com said...

Traci- I too have been praying for your family. Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Jesus, you assure us that you heal our emotional wounds. I stand in agreement with Traci that you will answer her prayer and allow her to feel again.
You are a beautiful and courageous woman, thank you for sharing. I will continuing to be praying you, Jared, and Graham.

Dee said...

Traci, Jared and Graham:
I am so sorry about this horrific assault on your lives. Please know there is another whole community loving you during this difficult time. Dee

Jennifer Jo said...

Traci, This makes my heart ache and my throat swell (and my heart race and my vision blur). Strength to you, dear one.

Shannon said...

I believe that being numb is an important stage of grief. It is very protective. It will lift when you are ready. My thoughts are with you and your family.

AG said...

I am reminded of my brother-in-law who loves to take his time driving on rode trips going along the scenic routes. It drives me crazy. I just want to get to the destination. But he wisely points out that the journey is just as meaningful as the arrival at the destination. I so hope you arrive at your destination Traci, but know that the journey is just as meaningful. We love you and will walk with you.

Jess said...

Dear Traci,
You don't know me, but I am your second cousin Andy's girlfriend. He has been telling me about you, awed by your extraordinary bravery in this harrowing time. Thank you for finding the courage to share your story and your insights into the healing process. You are in both our thoughts. Graham is blessed to have a mom with your tenacity and compassion.

Circe said...
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Circe said...
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Circe said...

Dear Traci--
I don't know you but go to church with Jared's parents and just heard about your tragic attack. I am also a survivor of sexual violence and just want you to know of my heartfelt support, empathy and rage about what happened to you. I feel like Jesus in the temple about now, throwing furniture around and yelling at the top of my lungs about defiling God's temple. That story took on new meaning for me when I realized my woman's body is also God's temple and that Jesus's rage in the temple gives me an empowering model. Here's to holy anger and the Spirit's presence in your pain--however it may be expressed or unexpressed over time. You are Loved on this journey.

MattC said...

Traci, you and Jared and Graham have come to mind often since the announcement was shared at CMC of your attack. I'm just now reading your blog -- thank you for your candor and strength. We will continue to keep you all in our thoughts as you continue this journey toward healing.

Anna Maria said...

Dear Traci, You have made it through the first month. I just found your blog today, and wept again as I read this post. (I wept first when I got the CMC e-mail about what had happened). You write well, with such simplicity and clear honesty. I don't know what to say, other than that you are so deeply loved and treasured. Whatever you are feeling is okay: whether it's numbness, rage, anger, sadness, frustration, resignation, peace, compassion, despair, or anything else you can think of.