"We are hard pressed on everyside, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Graham :)

I thought I knew exactly what kind of parent I would be. I loved a lot of children before I had Graham and that somehow gave me this false idea that I knew what I was in for. Well I didn't, and it's nothing like I thought it would be, it's so much better. My life is filled with more joy and laughter than I ever could have imagined and he has made me a better person. I am less selfish, more patient, more loving. I so badly desire to be someone that he could admire.

There are also parts of being of parent that are not so great, mainly the land of worry. And now, more than ever before, I worry so much. No child should ever have to witness what he witnessed. I am so scared about how this will affect him. I can hear you all thinking and saying, "Traci he's so young, he'll be fine," and you're probably right, dear God I hope you're right. But that's not how a mother's mind works. Instead I spend my time reading articles by child psychologists, then watching and waiting for his signs of distress, wondering when he will start acting out. So far that hasn't happened. I've found him to be completely himself.

My good friend's mother is a child psychologist and tomorrow she is coming to do a little work with him in the space where I was attacked. Apparently it is important to create positive memories in a place where something so negative has happened. Jared and I will be working with him through this. This feels good. Traumatic events like this can impact a young child more than most people think. People keep telling me, "he'll never remember," and while I believe that's true, it doesn't mean it won't affect him. I'm so glad that someone agrees with me and thinks that it's important for him to be seen.

Jared and I have talked about how this could change our parenting. I already feel myself hovering and wanting Graham next to me all the time (even more than before). I guarantee you that on that list of what kind of parent I would be I wasn't worrying and hovering. Healthy or not, that's where I'm at.

My song for today is "I get to be the one" by JJ Heller. For now, I'm just so thankful that I get to be his mom, that I get to be here with him.

16 comments:

janellelynn said...

your awesome traci. seriously. and that video is beautiful.

Pam said...

Making good family memories is always a good idea. Blessings as you move forward....blessings as you make new memories.....memories of love and togetherness.

Gary and Lisa said...

oh Traci..the video is beautiful. God's light...is shining...
We will pray for Graham too.

Rachel said...

Traci, you and Jared are amazing parents. I know that you will work through this together and will continue to love and help Graham as best as you know how. Praying for peace and healing for you and your beautiful little family.

mkeeney said...

My dearest sister in Christ,

It will be difficult of course to know the effects this will have on you and on Jared and on little Graham. But we can know the effects that the love of his parents, and his family, and his church community, and of course our God will have on him. And I am certain that this love can and has and will conquer all. Sometimes you will be crazy parents because of what happened, and sometimes you will be crazy parents because that just happens. But with prayer and love, you guys will figure it out. I am sad that you have to be so brave, and awe-struck that you are. We continue to hold you all in prayer, and in the light of God's love.

You Can Call Me Jane said...

You are showing us how to pray through these posts- thank you. Beautiful boy, Graham, will be in my thoughts and prayers this week right along with you and Jared.

Ann said...

Praying for healing of memories is a good way to face the uncertainty of what Graham may or may not have recorded in his brain and his being. I think the best thing you are doing is to face fear and to face the trauma rather than have places in your family conversations where you do not go. Prayers continue for all of you.

Daphne said...

Oh my goodness, chills and tears all at the same time. What a sweet video. I can only imagine what great parents you are. God has given you the wonderful responsibility of taking care of Graham and it sounds like to me you guys are doing a great job. We are praying for you Traci, Jared and Graham too. Hugs from Santiago.

Unknown said...

I can appreciate where you are coming from here. Our kids may not remember all the books we read to them, or the trips to the park. But somehow we hope that they carry the feelings of being loved and safe and wanted with them well into adulthood. I'll be praying that a life made up of days and weeks and months and years of love and safety and belonging shine brightly for you, your son, and your family.

AG said...

Traci-I drove Graham to the hospital after you were taken away in the ambulance. It was the most horrifying drive of my life as I went through the intense emotions of sharing in the suffering with you, Jared and Graham. I think Jesse's experience was likewise as he rode shotgun. Meanwhile, Graham and Monica sat side-by-side in their car seats in the back. They were both so happy to see each other. In fact, I couldn't help but feel through my darkness how their giggles and smiles were so joyful, so full of life. I wept, not only for you Traci, but I wept at how you somehow managed to protect Graham. He was ok! I couldn't believe it.

One of my favorite kids movies is Spy Kids. Along with just being fun to watch with your ten-year-old boy, it has a great message--It's hard to be a family... and sometimes the kids have to save the parents. I have experienced that kind of saving love from my son. I hope now that Graham can be part of what saves you.

Unknown said...

Dear Traci,
Although you don't know me, I heard of your story through a mutual friend Rachel--our thoughts and prayers are with you as you heal.

Unknown said...

Sorry, I left the last comment, and thought my name would appear, but it didn't (Elaine Shenk).

ramonasteiner@blogspot.com said...

Beautiful post, I sense you or someone will be writing a song for you, Jared, and Graham at some point. I really like the song, it ministered to me as I think about my little one.

somebird said...

Sending you Graham and Jared healing and so much LOVE. So nice to see the photos and hear your song of the day. - Leena

Mr. Andy said...

Traci,
What a wonderful collection of pictures of your family, especially your son (such a cutie!), and the song is really beautiful, too. Just know that I'm sending loving thoughts and prayers your way.
Your 2nd cousin,
Andy Leinbach

PolarBarb said...

So many have said it all so well ~ so I'll ditto their comments... and I will continue to uphold you and your family on your "Journey to Peace".