I thought I knew exactly what kind of parent I would be. I loved a lot of children before I had Graham and that somehow gave me this false idea that I knew what I was in for. Well I didn't, and it's nothing like I thought it would be, it's so much better. My life is filled with more joy and laughter than I ever could have imagined and he has made me a better person. I am less selfish, more patient, more loving. I so badly desire to be someone that he could admire.
There are also parts of being of parent that are not so great, mainly the land of worry. And now, more than ever before, I worry so much. No child should ever have to witness what he witnessed. I am so scared about how this will affect him. I can hear you all thinking and saying, "Traci he's so young, he'll be fine," and you're probably right, dear God I hope you're right. But that's not how a mother's mind works. Instead I spend my time reading articles by child psychologists, then watching and waiting for his signs of distress, wondering when he will start acting out. So far that hasn't happened. I've found him to be completely himself.
My good friend's mother is a child psychologist and tomorrow she is coming to do a little work with him in the space where I was attacked. Apparently it is important to create positive memories in a place where something so negative has happened. Jared and I will be working with him through this. This feels good. Traumatic events like this can impact a young child more than most people think. People keep telling me, "he'll never remember," and while I believe that's true, it doesn't mean it won't affect him. I'm so glad that someone agrees with me and thinks that it's important for him to be seen.
Jared and I have talked about how this could change our parenting. I already feel myself hovering and wanting Graham next to me all the time (even more than before). I guarantee you that on that list of what kind of parent I would be I wasn't worrying and hovering. Healthy or not, that's where I'm at.
My song for today is "I get to be the one" by JJ Heller. For now, I'm just so thankful that I get to be his mom, that I get to be here with him.