Tuesday I started counseling. People have asked me if I was nervous or scared about this and while I'm not nervous about the counseling itself, I am nervous about what it will stir up inside me. I'm very comfortable with myself. Quite honestly, I like me. What if, through counseling, I start analyzing myself and realize that I don't like myself as much as I thought I did?
Henry Nouwen says, "You have been wounded in many ways. The more you open yourself to being healed, the more you will discover how deep your wounds are. You will be tempted to become discouraged, because under every wound you uncover you will find others. Your search for true healing will be a suffering search." This is exactly what I don't want to happen! I don't want to discover this sad, damaged version of myself. I am entering a process of much introspection and let's be honest, I'm just not very introspective. I happily float through life not thinking too hard or analytically about myself. Will this go away? Will I become someone I don't recognize or don't want to be?
I fully realize that being attacked will have lifelong impacts on me and that I have to find a way to integrate this into my story, but I just don't want it to turn me into someone different. Allowing change, in some ways, feels like I'm giving my attacker more of myself. I just want to be me.
My song for today may seem like a silly choice, but for some reason the line, "the rest is still unwritten" struck a cord with me. This is "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. It feels empowering and like I do have some control in my story of who I become.