"We are hard pressed on everyside, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I like me

Tuesday I started counseling. People have asked me if I was nervous or scared about this and while I'm not nervous about the counseling itself, I am nervous about what it will stir up inside me. I'm very comfortable with myself. Quite honestly, I like me. What if, through counseling, I start analyzing myself and realize that I don't like myself as much as I thought I did?

Henry Nouwen says, "You have been wounded in many ways. The more you open yourself to being healed, the more you will discover how deep your wounds are. You will be tempted to become discouraged, because under every wound you uncover you will find others. Your search for true healing will be a suffering search." This is exactly what I don't want to happen! I don't want to discover this sad, damaged version of myself. I am entering a process of much introspection and let's be honest, I'm just not very introspective. I happily float through life not thinking too hard or analytically about myself. Will this go away? Will I become someone I don't recognize or don't want to be?

I fully realize that being attacked will have lifelong impacts on me and that I have to find a way to integrate this into my story, but I just don't want it to turn me into someone different. Allowing change, in some ways, feels like I'm giving my attacker more of myself. I just want to be me.

My song for today may seem like a silly choice, but for some reason the line, "the rest is still unwritten" struck a cord with me. This is "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. It feels empowering and like I do have some control in my story of who I become.

9 comments:

ben wideman said...

We like you too, Traci. I hope the process can be a meaningful one and not simply a negative experience.

JeremySiwon said...

I totally agree, the rest is unwritten. The only power that we have is in the power of the now in all of its messiness and infinite potential. "Below what we think we are we are something else, we are almost anything" D.H. Lawrence

SteveWilson said...

"For we know, that ALL things work together for good, to them that are called according to His purpose." God does not cause every incident in your life, but He does allow everything. His scripture says that it will be used to benefit you and glorify Him. My His divine purpose be made manifest in your life.

mkeeney said...

You are so authentic, everyone who sees you can see that you are radiant with God's love. So don't be afraid that you will like yourself less because of counseling- your sense of peace came from a deep well of faith that can never run dry, and it will return. Nothing will be able to stop it. P.S. I like you, too!

Starwisher said...

Counseling, in my experience, has made me like myself more, and rarely has it ever gotten messy. You bring you into the counseling and through the counseling...and ultimately out of the counseling. The change needed is not in you, but in how you process and move forward after this traumatic event. What you bring to counseling will determine what you get from it. Knowing you, it will be positive!

joyo said...

And. . .in addition to counseling you might consider spiritual direction. Both are useful and each practice looks at the same set of circumstances but through a different lens.

kathleen temple, tailor said...

Traci, thank you so much for sharing your journey in this manner. I am thinking of you and will keep praying for you and Jared and also Graham, for peace and healing and hope. --Kathleen

Anna Maria said...

I like you, too, Traci. Thanks so much for sharing your journey and process. It's a privilege to walk with you (even at such a great distance) and see your strength.

Anna Maria said...

I like you, too, Traci. Thanks so much for sharing your journey and process. It's a privilege to walk with you (even at such a great distance) and see your strength.