Last night I was home alone for the first time since before November 7th. It seemed an appropriate time to write about fear. Without any doubt I can tell you that this is the strongest emotion that I feel and it is present at almost all times. It's not a fun way to live; constantly carrying my phone and looking over my shoulder. I wonder how long it will be until I take Graham to the park without someone else accompanying us. Or when I will get in the car and not immediately lock the doors. I live in a lot of fear and I don't know how to make it go away.
I've been told to avoid avoidance as much as possible; to do those things that make me uncomfortable. It is believed that avoidance can lead to many more problems down the road. So, as much as I can, I force myself to be alone. Alone is the worst. Sadly for me, an extreme extrovert, being alone was the worst even before this happened, now it's really the worst. I hate it, but I do it. Because I hope (I so hope) that it will help me later.
Last week the cable guy came to start our internet and despite seeing him drive up in a marked vehicle and being in uniform, I could not make myself trust this person. So, while he worked in the house, I stood at the street pretending to be on the phone until Jared came home. One time at the grocery store I was just convinced the man walking towards me was going to punch me in the face. I froze until he passed. These are the realities of my life right now.
Those of you who know me well, know that it has been virutally my life long dream to own a Bed & Breakfast. Since Jared entered my life it has become our dream. Our future plans of a B&B on a small farm in the country is something that we talk about with much regularity. Having people in our home has always brought us so much joy and now, I have to wonder if I will ever be able to open my door to a stranger again. Thinking of giving up my dream because of this is my greatest sadness.
These songs of day are not intended to bring some new insight. It's just songs I hear that I resonate with and music is very meaningful to me so I thought I would add it to my blog. No song is a perfect fit and this song is no exception, but the chorus about fear is just what I feel. This is "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson.