"We are hard pressed on everyside, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Friday, February 3, 2012

Fear

Last night I was home alone for the first time since before November 7th. It seemed an appropriate time to write about fear. Without any doubt I can tell you that this is the strongest emotion that I feel and it is present at almost all times. It's not a fun way to live; constantly carrying my phone and looking over my shoulder. I wonder how long it will be until I take Graham to the park without someone else accompanying us. Or when I will get in the car and not immediately lock the doors. I live in a lot of fear and I don't know how to make it go away.

I've been told to avoid avoidance as much as possible; to do those things that make me uncomfortable. It is believed that avoidance can lead to many more problems down the road. So, as much as I can, I force myself to be alone. Alone is the worst. Sadly for me, an extreme extrovert, being alone was the worst even before this happened, now it's really the worst. I hate it, but I do it. Because I hope (I so hope) that it will help me later.

Last week the cable guy came to start our internet and despite seeing him drive up in a marked vehicle and being in uniform, I could not make myself trust this person. So, while he worked in the house, I stood at the street pretending to be on the phone until Jared came home. One time at the grocery store I was just convinced the man walking towards me was going to punch me in the face. I froze until he passed. These are the realities of my life right now.

Those of you who know me well, know that it has been virutally my life long dream to own a Bed & Breakfast. Since Jared entered my life it has become our dream. Our future plans of a B&B on a small farm in the country is something that we talk about with much regularity. Having people in our home has always brought us so much joy and now, I have to wonder if I will ever be able to open my door to a stranger again. Thinking of giving up my dream because of this is my greatest sadness.

These songs of day are not intended to bring some new insight. It's just songs I hear that I resonate with and music is very meaningful to me so I thought I would add it to my blog. No song is a perfect fit and this song is no exception, but the chorus about fear is just what I feel. This is "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson.

6 comments:

Rachel said...

traci, thank you for continuing to share your journey. it hurts my heart to think of you giving up your dream of a B&B, but trusting that God will heal your heart and restore your vision or give you a new dream. ps- i passed your old casa today! we visited my old host fam :)

eric, crystal, kyan & kaide said...

Traci -
I almost hesitant to write this, but I am reminded of what we are learning in church about proclaiming blessings over others...so my blessing for you is this:
Perhaps God never intended for your B&B to be a place for "strangers" or "vacation" ... but instead, maybe you are meant to be a safe haven for those who are hurting, who need respite...for broken young women, or pastor couples needing renewal...
perhaps God is walking with you through this healing journey so in turn, you can walk with others and be "Christ" to them?
Don't give up on your dream ... God gave you that heart for a reason - and when we ask him to change our mind to His mind - He WILL give you your peace & desire back too!
Many thoughts and prayers for you!

Linda W. said...

Thank you for this post. You and Jared are often on my mind and in my prayers. I will continue to pray for a peace that is greater than fear.

alisa said...

Traci-
You are writing about fear but I find you to be brave and strong beyond a point that I could manage. You have such courage not because you are unafraid but because you have the strength to be with your fear, your courage and faith can only help you. I will continue to think of you often.

Anna Maria said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I thought of you this morning and wanted to check on your blog; I'm really thankful that you are willing to share your journey this way with those of us who love you from far away.

I'm proud of you for acknowledging and confronting your fears head-on. I think courage is not about having no fear, but about deciding to live fully in spite of those fears. You don't have to start your B&B today. You can work up to it one day at a time, one outing to the park at a time, one outing to the grocery at a time. Little steps. You've already begun.

Rachel said...

Hi Traci, I was given your name by a few different people. First of all I think you're amazingly courageous for talking about your assault out in the open the way you have. It really does take guts to put it all out there for the world to see. I still can't tell people my own story, so I admire the fact that you can. Secondly, I wanted you to know that I've just started a blog/project about sexualized violence in the Mennonite church, and I was wondering if you would be willing to talk with me and possibly contribute to my project? My email address is raehalder@gmail.com. Would love to hear from you soon.

Best,
Rachel