I have had a winter and spring full of visitors who have helped me settle into our new home and more importantly ease the transition back to being alone. Thank you so much to all of you who cared so much to come be with me. As we have settled into routines and rhythms, so have my emotions. I can honestly say that I feel like I'm doing really well. Of course I still have moments of fear, but I don't feel like those moments consume me or control me. These moments are just part of life, and likely will be for a long time to come.
There really is no update with the legal process. I continue to find it invalidating and frustrating. It's virtually impossible to get information. Even the results from the HIV test that I had court ordered can not be released to me (because of HIPAA). They will only release results if they are positive, but they won't even tell me if he has taken the test yet. It only leaves your mind to wonder, "Was the test actually given?" "What if the person who was supposed to call me forgot or was out of the office?" It's hardly a victim's right if they won't tell you the results. All of it is very distant and not at all victim centered. To all of you who are curious, yes I have read, "The little book of Restorative Justice." However, I am extremely powerless to change the system. The state has taken the role of the victim from me and they will proceed as they typically do. I do plan to speak at sentencing and face my attacker, which I pray will be a helpful step.
Over the last months I haven't been writing much about God. I'm sure this won't come as a surprise to most of you, but this huge life event has definitely had a impact on my faith. I don't blame God for what happened to me, I understand that bad things happen. There is evil in the world and I am not exempt from encountering it. I also have never asked, "why me?" I remember one professor of mine always responding to this question with, "why not me?" I don't feel more entitled to God's protection than anyone else. But the attack has raised questions for me of how and when God does intervene in the world. If God is capable of intervening, does that mean that God chose not to for me? I've done lots of thinking, praying and talking about this subject of "Divine Intervention." It is something I'm sure I will sit with for some time.
After several months of searching for a counselor that was a fit for me, I did find one. She was stop #4. I was encouraged by many to really look for a therapist who I found a connection with. So I would meet one person for a few weeks, then I would have to "break up" with them- which for me, was horrible! It felt like I was telling them that they weren't good at their job. However, I have now found a very nice woman who surprisingly enough is deaf. The person who referred her to me did not inform me of this before we met, so you can imagine my surprise and curiosity about how this would work. She is an amazing lip reader and that is how it works. She got all the way through her PhD reading lips, and I'm sure her professors had more elaborate vocabularies than I do. She has some wonderful insights and knowledge and I have appreciated her.
My song today is "Alleluia, the Great storm is over." I first heard this song 5 years ago at our church in Harrisonburg, VA (Community Mennonite). There was a 3 year old sitting just in front of us who had this entire song memorized and she sang with such joy. It was beautiful and has stuck with me. About one year after that, this song was sung at a friends funeral. He had suffered for quite a while before he died and we sang this to celebrate that his storm was over. However, I've never sung this song since without tears. A couple weeks ago at our Arizona church (Trinity Mennonite) we sang this song and for me it was (and is) a song about hope. Sadly, youtube doesn't have a great recording of it, but the words are still meaningful.