Investigation

I haven't told you all much of the case so far, largely because it was recommended that I not share the investigation details with people. However, today I was told that I was free to share, so here is what's been going on for the past 3 weeks.

November 7 - I was attacked. Our home became a crime scene. The K-9 unit was brought in, DNA and fingerprints were collected.
November 8 - The detective and case manager came to see me where we are staying.
November 9 - I went into the police office and made my full statement of what happened. We also did a sketch of the attacker and I looked through mug shots to see if I recognized anyone; I didn't.
November 10 - About 2 dozen police officers went door to door canvasing our neighborhood (8 blocks north, south, east and west) with my sketch.
November 14 - The detective came to our home with 6 more pictures. I wasn't expecting anything, but sure enough, there was a picture of him. I sat there shaking looking at his picture and the detective said, "I had a hunch it was him."
November 16 - Local TV stations ran the story and reported that he was 17 years old. They ran a picture of him requesting information on his whereabouts.
November 17 - He was found on a reservation near Tucson, AZ
November 18 - The detective was informed of the involved process of removing a native american from a reservation. An extradition hearing was set for December 1st.
November 20 - We met with a good friend and public defender who informed us of the process ahead of us.

TODAY:
Because he is native american and on the reservation, removing him is almost like removing someone from another country. The detective has been collecting infomation and warrants necessary to do this. He told me that there was even a Governor's Warrant (signed by the governor) requesting that he be removed from the reservation. The preliminary hearing was at 8:30 this morning. The judge told the attacker that all the paper work was there and that there really was not much point in having the hearing. He waived his rights to the hearing and went willingly with the detective. This afternoon he was checked into the local jail without bond. He was served a DNA warrant and that has now been collected. He will be tried as an adult. I should be contacted by the prosecutor in the next couple weeks.

Now that this is all in process I'm starting to deal with some tough questions about how involved I want to be and what I want for this person. Luckily, I'll have some time to think about it, these things never move too quickly. Sorry, no song today, all this info isn't very inspiring to me.

I like me

Tuesday I started counseling. People have asked me if I was nervous or scared about this and while I'm not nervous about the counseling itself, I am nervous about what it will stir up inside me. I'm very comfortable with myself. Quite honestly, I like me. What if, through counseling, I start analyzing myself and realize that I don't like myself as much as I thought I did?

Henry Nouwen says, "You have been wounded in many ways. The more you open yourself to being healed, the more you will discover how deep your wounds are. You will be tempted to become discouraged, because under every wound you uncover you will find others. Your search for true healing will be a suffering search." This is exactly what I don't want to happen! I don't want to discover this sad, damaged version of myself. I am entering a process of much introspection and let's be honest, I'm just not very introspective. I happily float through life not thinking too hard or analytically about myself. Will this go away? Will I become someone I don't recognize or don't want to be?

I fully realize that being attacked will have lifelong impacts on me and that I have to find a way to integrate this into my story, but I just don't want it to turn me into someone different. Allowing change, in some ways, feels like I'm giving my attacker more of myself. I just want to be me.

My song for today may seem like a silly choice, but for some reason the line, "the rest is still unwritten" struck a cord with me. This is "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. It feels empowering and like I do have some control in my story of who I become.

Graham :)

I thought I knew exactly what kind of parent I would be. I loved a lot of children before I had Graham and that somehow gave me this false idea that I knew what I was in for. Well I didn't, and it's nothing like I thought it would be, it's so much better. My life is filled with more joy and laughter than I ever could have imagined and he has made me a better person. I am less selfish, more patient, more loving. I so badly desire to be someone that he could admire.

There are also parts of being of parent that are not so great, mainly the land of worry. And now, more than ever before, I worry so much. No child should ever have to witness what he witnessed. I am so scared about how this will affect him. I can hear you all thinking and saying, "Traci he's so young, he'll be fine," and you're probably right, dear God I hope you're right. But that's not how a mother's mind works. Instead I spend my time reading articles by child psychologists, then watching and waiting for his signs of distress, wondering when he will start acting out. So far that hasn't happened. I've found him to be completely himself.

My good friend's mother is a child psychologist and tomorrow she is coming to do a little work with him in the space where I was attacked. Apparently it is important to create positive memories in a place where something so negative has happened. Jared and I will be working with him through this. This feels good. Traumatic events like this can impact a young child more than most people think. People keep telling me, "he'll never remember," and while I believe that's true, it doesn't mean it won't affect him. I'm so glad that someone agrees with me and thinks that it's important for him to be seen.

Jared and I have talked about how this could change our parenting. I already feel myself hovering and wanting Graham next to me all the time (even more than before). I guarantee you that on that list of what kind of parent I would be I wasn't worrying and hovering. Healthy or not, that's where I'm at.

My song for today is "I get to be the one" by JJ Heller. For now, I'm just so thankful that I get to be his mom, that I get to be here with him.

The Basics

Where do you start with something so heavy? How do I begin to share with you the millions of thoughts that pass through my mind each day? I guess the easiest beginning for me is with the facts.

Last Monday afternoon my door bell rang. When I opened the door there was a young man who I had never seen before. He asked me for a drink of water. I shut the door, leaving him outside and went to find a cup of water that I could give him. I returned, giving him the water and trying to send him on his way. When I tried to shut the door he stopped it and forced his entrance into our home. He came in swinging. He beat me until I stopped fighting back at which point I was barely conscious. It then became clear why he was there. He beat and raped me for an hour and a half.

He ran out the back door when he heard our roomate arriving at home. I quickly locked the door behind him and went to find Graham who had been shut in the bathroom for an hour. I grabbed the phone on the way and called 911. Within a couple minutes I heard the sirens. Finally, it was over....or just beginning depending on how you look at it.

I was beaten quite badly. I was unrecognizable Monday evening, even to Jared. Almost all my wounds were to the head. However, the body is an amazing thing and mine seems to be healing quickly. The bruises are fading and the swelling is gone. I wish that my body could just take care of my emotional healing as well, but it's becoming painfully clear that I have some hard work and dark days ahead of me.

I am currently quite numb to everything. Some defense mechanism inside me turned off my emotions when he entered our home, and I haven't been able to feel since. I need to feel this. I have to feel this in order to heal.

My song choice for today is "Awake my Soul" by Mumford & Sons. My prayer is that my soul would awaken.

Home!

Well despite the lack of entries on our blog, time continued on in Santiago. We had a wonderful goodbye party with all of our 'Atiteco' friends and co-workers, complete with a Pinata. (We bought it for the kids, but EVERYONE had a blast diving for candy!) We are now in Harrisonburg, staying with Jared's parents for a week before we go to Goshen, then PA, then back to Harrisonburg before moving out to Phoenix sometime in early August. We'll try to post some pictures later, and will probably keep using this blog to post updates about our lives in Arizona for the next year.

For now, we just want to say it feels good to be home! We have greatly appreciated your support and prayers throughout the year, and will be greatful for your continued thoughts as we transition back into life in the US, and a new place to call home.

Jared and Traci

Computer down

Well folks, looks like round two of computer problems. . . this time it´s hardware. Too bad, because we were just about to get high speed internet at home!

Brief update from the internet cafe- Jared has been working in the ANADESA tree nursery filling plastic bags for coffee tree transplants. Also, on May 30 we´ll be getting a delivery of about 200 Macadamia nut trees for several communities on the outskirts of town. Google Valhalla Antigua for information about the macadamia nut farm and the many benefits of growing the trees.

Traci has still been working hard at the library, and leading an English club Saturday mornings. ´

We recently found out that we´ll be moving to Phoenix in August to manage a Mennonite Guest House there, and will be involved in an intentional Christian community for adults with developmental disabilities called Goldensun. Their website is www.goldensunonline.org if you want to check it out. Hopefully we´ll be able to put more pictures up sometime soon, but with our computer down it might be a while.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support!

We Have a Plan!

These last 6 weeks have been some of the most stressful times in both of our lives, but now we are so happy to be able to say that we have a plan! We have been given the opportunity to manage a Mennonite Guest House in Phoenix Arizona. It all came together so wonderfully, and we feel that God has opened some doors for us after many disappointments. We are so glad to know what we’ll be doing after our return. The house is co-owned by MCC and Trinity Mennonite Church, where Traci did her Ministry Inquiry Program a few years ago. It was bought as a location to house the many MCC SOOP (Service Opportunities for Older People) volunteers who go to Arizona in the winter. We will work to keep it full the rest of the year as well. It is a large 7 bedroom house and is connected with a program nearby for disabled adults, where many of the SOOP volunteers work. The house was formerly named SOOP House, but is now going by the title Phoenix Mennonite Guest House. We are very excited about this opportunity! Jared will be taking a few classes at ASU as well. Having some certainty back in our lives feels really good, and I think we'll appreciate the remainder of our time here even more now that we don't have to worry about what comes next.

So here’s the plan for all who are interested.
July 4th – Jareds parents will meet us at the airport when we return from Guatemala. We will be in Harrisonburg until the 16th. In that time we will hang out with family and friends, get some needed new and clothes and haircuts, celebrate birthdays, maybe do a little work around our house and begin the packing process.
July 16th – Drive to Goshen to be with Traci’s family until the 27th. Don’t yet have any itinerary for that time, but I’m sure it will involve some days at Tonya and Jason’s pool.
July 27th – Drive to Lancaster. We have our re-entry retreat in Lancaster from July 3oth – August 2nd so we decided to go 3 days early and hang out with Jared’s extended family there.
August 2nd – Drive back to Harrisonburg
August 8th – Begin the Drive to Phoenix
August 11th – Arrive in Phoenix.

Thanks to everyone for your prayers and encouragement through our uncertainty.